 Those of us who face severe physical limitations in our lives often make the mistake of equating our accomplishments with our worth as human beings. I admit to being guilty of this myself. How many times have I watched a hunting show on television and compared my hunting success with that of the celebrities? There were more times than I care to admit! No matter how many times I hear or repeat the saying that it is not the game that I take, but rather the companionship of friends that counts, deep down inside there is still a part of me that is driven to succeed. OK. Maybe that part of me isn't so deeply hidden.I have been a high achiever since college. I can remember getting very anxious about upcoming exams, especially in Anatomy and Physiology, my favorite courses. I loved to get high grades, which I consistently did, and I suppose I surprised everyone when I announced that I would not continue to pursue a degree in nursing. I dropped out, got married, and began to raise my family. I channeled my drive for success in a slightly different direction- trying to be the best wife and mother I could be. After twenty-three years I am still married to the same man, and we have four wonderful children. You would think I would see that as a great success in a time when many relationships fail, but old habits die hard, and I still tend to set my sights on achieving my idea of success. I have come to enjoy a variety of physical and intellectual pursuits. Hunting, of course, is number one on the list. I was not raised in a hunting family, and neither was my husband, so we pretty much had to start learning from scratch. I devoured books and articles on the subject of deer hunting, and was quite proud of the fact that it only took until my second year for me to tag my first buck. Nobody had taught me; it was my own accomplishment. I did not score every year, but I hunted my heart out, not quitting until the season was over or my tag was filled. One evening on the last day of a deer season, I came out of the woods and found a note on my windshield from our game warden. She told me that of all the hunters she knew, I was the one whose truck was there from the earliest light until darkness fell. The one day I left early, she knew that I must have gotten a deer! I had more determination that most hunters she met, and they should learn a thing or two from me. That letter was as great to me as winning a big buck contest. Five years ago, I lost the vibrant health and stamina I once possessed, and my hunting has suffered terribly. Gone are the days when I would strap on a pack and disappear with my gun for the day. After a five year string of success in my new hunting grounds here in Central PA, I have had five years of what I have often perceived as near total failure in the deer woods. Hunting has not been the only casualty as I watched my life become increasingly limited. This past year has seen an overall improvement in my asthma, but my sinus infections have been getting more frequent and more severe. This was my first summer without a garden, and I took no produce, jelly, or baked goods to the County Fair...... there would be no blue ribbons this year. My self-worth as a mother hit an all-time low when I had to tell my daughter I did not have the strength to take her and her goats to the fair  either. A thoughtless friend tried to tell me I had an obligation to take her, that I am really not that sick, and that I was depriving my daughter. The words cut like a knife to my very heart. My daughter saw my predicament and came to my defense.Lisa wrote to my friend to tell her that my illnesses have been very real, but even with all of my suffering, I have never failed to give her the happiest days of her life. She would give up the County Fair a thousand times over for those times we shared. What days were they? Those were the days I mustered all the strength I could, and took her out deer hunting, being there for her first doe, then again for her first buck. As I read the letter my heart swelled with pride for the fine young lady my daughter had become. My eyes filled with tears, but these were tears of joy! My daughter did not see my diminished abilities. She saw a mother who did her very best to introduce her to the wonderful world of hunting! I think my old game warden would be very proud of me still, don't you? |
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